I don’t want to help it anymore. It feels better this way to just let it be. I’m tired of fighting it and myself. Sometimes it’s ok to give in, well not so much give in as relax and be open to possibility. That doesn’t mean you have to trust everything but eventually you must learn to trust yourself, and once you start doing that you’ll be blown away. It starts gradually but it’s like a presence that refuses to be ignored, often leaving you weak in the knees feeling helpless. Everyone looks at you like you’re crazy, and soon enough you start to believe them. Its ok everyone slips up sometimes, but it surrenders to nothing. Relentless and painful when ignored yet uplifting and inspiring when welcomed, this part of a soul must have a purpose.
As a child even I was set apart, whether on purpose or by natural occurrences, it was visible. People can’t help but treat me differently, everyone seems to see something in me and the hype never matches up in my eyes. Why does everyone think I’m so special, I even hate to write it down, to feel like I could believe them? It makes my stomach lurch to even get a glimpse of the person I could become if I ever bought into the hype; even saying I did a good job feels unnatural. I used to think I knew it all, or at least acted like I did sometimes. That has cooled off a little with maturity and experience, but the curiosity stays the same. Now that I look back it seems more like defenses. I was not open to change, however much I longed for it, I was always left alone and afraid. I did what I had to and learned how to adapt and get by, most who met me as a child thought I was way beyond my years, but that’s what they say about all of us. It’s not like I asked for any of this but I am learning to be grateful for what I am and am destined to become with each new day.
I used to panic when I was younger. I never let myself just be, I couldn’t trust. I still can’t, it just don’t know how. I never really fit in and the harder I tried the more I stuck out like a sore thumb. But if I didn’t how could I ever be accepted? This is something that I could never get out of my head and anytime I just forgot to try is when the trouble happened. To this day there are just some things that I don’t remember, and I have a feeling it’s not that I can’t but that I don’t want to, so my body won’t let me. This can be seen as both a bad and good thing but that doesn’t change the fact that it influences me to this day. For as long as I can remember I could feel. I could feel people, situations and memories. When I did this it was like reliving the moment, I could see things so vividly in my head and I soon became so utterly terrified to voice what I saw not just because of what people would say or think but because I myself began to believe I was crazy and didn’t want it to be real. Voicing it would only make it that much more real.
Now you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. I’ve stopped fighting these things and often welcome the panic, it helps. When I say something, it’s more for me than anyone else; it’s like admitting responsibility. I don’t automatically shut down on myself when something new starts pulsing through my veins. When I say this it is no exaggeration what so ever, something like a sensation flushes through me from time to time, and this time it’s calmer. Instead of freaking out I stop and listen to heartbeats to get a read on the situation. My stomach can drop in a thousand different ways, and my breath quickens or intensifies, my sense of smell and even hunger at this point all help me. The more I welcome, the smoother things get. I’m even beginning to know my body better and with each new discovery my senses become heightened. It’s all about the tuning now, the little things I test out with myself to see what works and what blocks. I call it controlling my crazy. Things used to just happen or appear in my thoughts and dreams, and sometime when it was too intense I would just get physically ill. It never took much at all but some things, I just couldn’t handle, be it a letter from my step dad to a bad fight with a boyfriend, and I knew nothing else but to throw up. I and my body wanted nothing to do with the vile energy and at any and all costs it would be expelled. This of course only made things more difficult for me in everyday life. People thought I was crazy, or in my mother’s case perpetually pregnant. Mood swings, rages, scattered and fickle, yet indulgent, eating habits all pointed to a problem child and with my family history it all made sense. Why wouldn’t I be a little disturbed?
I always felt different, not bad. Yes I did feel bad sometimes because I didn’t fit in, but I never felt bad or pitied myself because of the way I was raised. I often felt spoiled in some aspects and many would fight me on the subject, and at the same time fully agree. I don’t know what is blocking me but I know it is there. I can feel that too. I have come to realize when to just let things be and even started pushing myself in attempts to stay in control while in my little “what if” situations. Now instead of just trying to weigh out the possibilities of something from multiple points of view, I often can determine which one is more likely to be the outcome. It sounds crazy I know but acceptance is the only way. I want to see what it is I’m destined to become so instead of fighting against it I’ve begun fighting with it. Even subconsciously before I knew what was happening I’d begin to alter the mood of things. I realized that thinking in a positive manner would increase the likelihood of success, and when I just felt pathetic and played Debby downer it just became all that much more of a slippery slope. Pity me does nothing in my life anymore, yes I am lazy, but what do you expect? I rarely ever felt useful on my own thinking that I must always be attached to someone else for direction, now I must relax take a deep breath and step out on my own. Oddly enough I can’t help but follow the mysterious path ahead, and more than ever I’ve begun to trust the unknown, in attempts to find something new. I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m meant to do, and most can’t seem to grasp why I stay so calm daily, but that’s how things come easier to me. Some call it luck, I call it intuition, but that’s as much as I can sum up at this point. All I know is that I can’t hide it for much longer and there’s no use in fighting it. I must learn and expose whatever it is that’s blocking me, and eventually someday I’ll be able to call on my calling.
No comments:
Post a Comment