Productivity in a Power Outage

     Right, so it seems as though the universe knows just how stubborn and hardheaded I am. Today I was somewhat aggressively encouraged to leave my home. It wasn't with forceful use of the physical body, but more along the lines of living in Arizona without air conditioning. It really isn't that bad since we decided to spend our money else where and not paying the electricity bill… and well falling into an unproductive level of comfort and illusion. It is sometimes hard to remember that we are all a part of this current state of affairs and well really everyone is in a hard place at the moment. Money can come easy, but just like everything else in this world it comes though balance and hard work. So I have now realized that in order to receive what I have been asking for, I too must do my part and uphold my word. Somewhere along the lines I have gotten lost and given up my power. I know I am capable of great things and I have been doing some of the work, but like most things in my life I have neglected some very important aspects of the physical realm. Simple things like, the quality of my food and what I choose to nourish my body. It has been disregarded for too long. My mind as been left to wonder on its own with no resonance with the map and really just "tra la la 'ing" about. I really do well with a routine and a clear sense of direction but at the same time there still remains a fiery little rebel within me. When the world presents me with an outlet it just goes unanswered like a bill collectors phone call. Simply because I don't want to deal with it. Just like being a child who keeps insisting "if I can't see you, you can't see me" well word to the wise the universe really doesn't work this way. Nothing disappears without living up to its true purpose. I have been presented with a line of action, the forces of the cosmos conspire and accumulate their momentum whether or not we choose to adhere to its demands it on us. Don't misunderstand this most important aspect, the flow never stops, but we as consciousness hinder its growth and create obstacles so that we just don't "see" what we are up against. 

     I have spent the past several months in a defiance denial, wasting away my brain cells with copious amounts of T.V. and junk food. The time has come for change, actually it has come and gone. How do I know? Oh I dunno, maybe the the collectors that call everyday from about 6am to 8pm… The past due academic papers and other piling up assignments… the pudginess complacently chillin around my core… It might even be safe to use the analogy of my power being out. Everything in our apartments and homes are meant to insure a level of comfort, the air conditioning is most convenient when it is over 100 degrees in September. So to reinforce my jumbled thoughts from above, the heat never stops accumulating and when all the preexisting conditions fail to sustain harmony… things happen anyway. I know, totally built up huh? Theres really not that much to it, life goes on, it always will. What the hell are we doing? what the hell am I doing? and why does it always take me this long to realize what is happening… I mean seriously, the power was out for a full 40 min this afternoon before I even noticed. I was still so caught up in my own little world to care… until it was made so abundantly clear that something had to be done. 

     I know I could have been studying and completing all these over due assignments that I have mentioned but there is an even more important level of understanding left from today. I am an adult now, as much as I wished for this as a child I never really knew what I wanted… or did I? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I have to do something. Many things actually, but most importantly I must restore balance in my own life. I have already begun the purging process, it was just way more intense and intricate than I have previously thought. At least I have reached this level of self annoyance, and understanding of my reality. It feels good to be writing though, I will be exercising these muscles more effectively from now on. 

on a side note:

When it comes down to it, I am glad that I look a wee bit crazy. I find this helpful actually, helps me maintain a sense of personal space in public transit, I can blend in nearly anywhere and I am perfectly comfortable sticking out. It just seems that much more ok when I silently sing to myself on adventures though town, and not so terrifying, for me at least, to talk to strangers anymore. 

see, crazy people just do what ever the fuck they want. which is why, I think, most people call them that. Pretty much anyone who decided to defy the social norm makes everyone else squirm a lil bit. It sure as hell made me squirm, a lot. That was until I just decided to go with it, say fuck it all I am gonna do what makes me happy. If I feel like blending in with the bums so be it, if I feel like being pretty thats easy too. All in all I feel like it comes down to the level of confidence that surrounds a person, it is incredibly easy to do as everyone else is doing, just to not draw attention, but that only lasts for so long and honestly takes way more effort than you realize. 

I have BIG dreams. I seriously plan on saving the world. No matter what I have ever done to evade the universe, I cannot out run who I am and the insistence of who I am to become. Every night I have wild adventures deep into the realms of my soul, yes terrifying at times but they don't let up. 

awoken via arachnid

today I am awake at 6am. This is not the current norm for me, however I was called out of a deep healing slumber when I felt something scurry across my back. Noticing that it was not Thor, I quickly brushed it off and rolled over. In the attempt to continue my delicious dreams, I told myself it was nothing probably a hair or something... This then of course only lasted a few moments because I soon felt the similar sensation across my face. Trickling down from my forehead and down across my right eye over my check bone, I again quickly grabbed and displaced whatever had caused this. Thinking that I was ok and with the lazyassedness that I possess, I attempted to sleep once again. This did not work out so well.


All the while I was wondering if, maybe... just maybe it was a spider... I have definitely been a magnet for them. However I do respect them. Telling myself that if it was one, I was most likely just one of the tiny ones that seem to come out of nowhere and really aren't harmful. As comforting as I was trying to be with myself it was clearly not working. So as I lay there tossing and turning in the early morning hours of my bed, the ever so lovely spider woman enters my thoughts. This offered a small sense of security seeing as how I had done a research paper on the significance of spiders in symbolism, leading to a very strong bond with southwestern lore in particular. Lets say that I have been in communication with her, even if only in my imagination, noticing beautiful dancing spider webs glistening in discrete places. Throughout my investigations with the spider I gained a high regard and reverence for the beautiful creature, and actually refused to kill whenever possible. Knowing this and keeping in mind the sacredness, I was also not completely awake... or aware. 


Partially grateful and honored by the grace of the spider so directly I was also a weeee bit frightened, as is only natural in the state of Arizona. I began to question just how much of a girl I was being, yet actually quite impressed with my lack of freaking out and squealing at this early hour. Something simply refused to allow me to return to my sacred slumber... this is about the time I checked my phone to see that it was just before 6am. Way too fucking early for me normally, but I couldn't shake the feeling of tiny tickles across my entire body, and my mind refused to just let it go. The fringes of my blanket, and stray hairs from my own head left me with an uneasy feeling. 


In my mind I actually asked the spider woman protect me, and thanked her for her early morning wake up call. At the same time I recalled my instant reaction to the critter, and how I had brushed and grabbed at the life form sharing my bed, all in efforts to displace and rolling even to kill. I was not comforted by the idea of taking somethings life so early in the day, yet at the same time I wasn't even sure if I was just tripping out, having a really intense dream (which is normal), or if it was some reiki energy being released from this weekend. When none of those familiar sensations stuck, I had a minor freakout, but mostly because I had misplaced my phone. In search of the timeteller, I shook out my blankets, moved my pillows about, energetically wiped down my body & tousled my hair. Turning around over and over in my bed, I accidentally turned on the light and found my visitor. Placed roughly about where my lower back would be laying down, a spider nearly the size of a dime; no longer moving, with its little delicate legs curled it was no longer a threat. 


Now totally awake, I rose to shake off my body once again and checked in the mirror for any signs of a venomous bite, so far so good. I don't have any localized pain or swelling, just a small itch here and there. 
I have removed the sacred spider with an envelop and placed it in a safe place just in case it needs to be referenced later. 


Suppose I should start my day now that I am wide awake, kinda funny for several reasons actually...
I have been attempting to rise earlier and regulate my sleep patterns
I am hyper aware even in sleep
and last but not least, 
this whole situation is incredibly resonant with spider symbolism, I am simply intoxicated with creative energy.


So in conclusion I thank you spider woman, and good morning to all :) 

The Desert is Not Deserted

Note the balance in the structure of the trees,
they sway & bend; self heal evolve & mend.
Pay attention, soon enough things...many, many, things will be easier to comprehend 
I am here by choice, I am tuning my voice,
Here to learn & lend a hand;
won't this exploration be grand?
Standing tall & strong, simply insisting upon,
growing evermore, no task in life remains a chore.
This inspiration, motivation stems from deep within,
so many things to say, more unfolds with each new day.
Developing that delicate balance between pray & play,
I bring the gift of integration though dreamy meditation; 
a mover and a shaker, 
there seems to be no use of structure 
unless one cares to muster & nurture from within,
I am divine, socially in a prime
& invigorated with scientific spunk,
welcoming the waters of universal benevolence to be drunk. 

Control Your Crazy

I don’t want to help it anymore. It feels better this way to just let it be. I’m tired of fighting it and myself. Sometimes it’s ok to give in, well not so much give in as relax and be open to possibility.  That doesn’t mean you have to trust everything but eventually you must learn to trust yourself, and once you start doing that you’ll be blown away. It starts gradually but it’s like a presence that refuses to be ignored, often leaving you weak in the knees feeling helpless. Everyone looks at you like you’re crazy, and soon enough you start to believe them. Its ok everyone slips up sometimes, but it surrenders to nothing. Relentless and painful when ignored yet uplifting and inspiring when welcomed, this part of a soul must have a purpose.

                As a child even I was set apart, whether on purpose or by natural occurrences, it was visible. People can’t help but treat me differently, everyone seems to see something in me and the hype never matches up in my eyes. Why does everyone think I’m so special, I even hate to write it down, to feel like I could believe them? It makes my stomach lurch to even get a glimpse of the person I could become if I ever bought into the hype; even saying I did a good job feels unnatural. I used to think I knew it all, or at least acted like I did sometimes. That has cooled off a little with maturity and experience, but the curiosity stays the same. Now that I look back it seems more like defenses. I was not open to change, however much I longed for it, I was always left alone and afraid. I did what I had to and learned how to adapt and get by, most who met me as a child thought I was way beyond my years, but that’s what they say about all of us. It’s not like I asked for any of this but I am learning to be grateful for what I am and am destined to become with each new day.

                I used to panic when I was younger. I never let myself just be, I couldn’t trust. I still can’t, it just don’t know how. I never really fit in and the harder I tried the more I stuck out like a sore thumb. But if I didn’t how could I ever be accepted? This is something that I could never get out of my head and anytime I just forgot to try is when the trouble happened. To this day there are just some things that I don’t remember, and I have a feeling it’s not that I can’t but that I don’t want to, so my body won’t let me.  This can be seen as both a bad and good thing but that doesn’t change the fact that it influences me to this day. For as long as I can remember I could feel. I could feel people, situations and memories. When I did this it was like reliving the moment, I could see things so vividly in my head and I soon became so utterly terrified to voice what I saw not just because of  what people would say or think but because I myself began to believe I was crazy and didn’t want it to be real. Voicing it would only make it that much more real.

                Now you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. I’ve stopped fighting these things and often welcome the panic, it helps. When I say something, it’s more for me than anyone else; it’s like admitting responsibility.  I don’t automatically shut down on myself when something new starts pulsing through my veins. When I say this it is no exaggeration what so ever, something like a sensation flushes through me from time to time, and this time it’s calmer. Instead of freaking out I stop and listen to heartbeats to get a read on the situation. My stomach can drop in a thousand different ways, and my breath quickens or intensifies, my sense of smell and even hunger at this point all help me. The more I welcome, the smoother things get. I’m even beginning to know my body better and with each new discovery my senses become heightened. It’s all about the tuning now, the little things I test out with myself to see what works and what blocks. I call it controlling my crazy.  Things used to just happen or appear in my thoughts and dreams, and sometime when it was too intense I would just get physically ill. It never took much at all but some things, I just couldn’t handle, be it a letter from my step dad to a bad fight with a boyfriend, and I knew nothing else but to throw up. I and my body wanted nothing to do with the vile energy and at any and all costs it would be expelled. This of course only made things more difficult for me in everyday life. People thought I was crazy, or in my mother’s case perpetually pregnant.  Mood swings, rages, scattered and fickle, yet indulgent, eating habits all pointed to a problem child and with my family history it all made sense. Why wouldn’t I be a little disturbed?

                I always felt different, not bad. Yes I did feel bad sometimes because I didn’t fit in, but I never felt bad or pitied myself because of the way I was raised. I often felt spoiled in some aspects and many would fight me on the subject, and at the same time fully agree. I don’t know what is blocking me but I know it is there. I can feel that too. I have come to realize when to just let things be and even started pushing myself in attempts to stay in control while in my little “what if” situations. Now instead of just trying to weigh out the possibilities of something from multiple points of view, I often can determine which one is more likely to be the outcome.  It sounds crazy I know but acceptance is the only way. I want to see what it is I’m destined to become so instead of fighting against it I’ve begun fighting with it. Even subconsciously before I knew what was happening I’d begin to alter the mood of things. I realized that thinking in a positive manner would increase the likelihood of success, and when I just felt pathetic and played Debby downer it just became all that much more of a slippery slope. Pity me does nothing in my life anymore, yes I am lazy, but what do you expect? I rarely ever felt useful on my own thinking that I must always be attached to someone else for direction, now I must relax take a deep breath and step out on my own. Oddly enough I can’t help but follow the mysterious path ahead, and more than ever I’ve begun to trust the unknown, in attempts to find something new. I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m meant to do, and most can’t seem to grasp why I stay so calm daily, but that’s how things come easier to me. Some call it luck, I call it intuition, but that’s as much as I can sum up at this point. All I know is that I can’t hide it for much longer and there’s no use in fighting it. I must learn and expose whatever it is that’s blocking me, and eventually someday I’ll be able to call on my calling.